Doctor Jane Rosen-Grandon a marriage and family therapist, in her article “Father-Daughter Relationships” says “ a daughter’s relationship with her father is usually her first male-female relationship. From Dad, little girls gain their first reflection of themselves as female” (1). She further goes on to say that females are able to differentiate between acceptance and non acceptance, between being valued and discounted. I agree with Dr. Jane, in a loving two parent home this is an excellent factor for any child, especially a female. She will be able, by all accounts, to choose someone who emulates her father and if her father is a “good man” then all is supposedly well. But what about those girls who did not grow up with that loving mother father two parent dynamic?
Meet *Roxanne Gilbert. A 40 year old single mother of 2. Gilbert grew up in a very volatile household. Her father was psychically abusive towards her mother and he was absent from the home on a regular basis. When it came time to choose men, she found them to be very unfulfilling emotionally so she decided to have her children and move on with her life. She says that since her father was never really in the house, she associated men as just being sperm donors so to speak. She was never really interested in having them stay after she had her children.
“Well to tell you the truth, I really don’t see the point of getting married. I feel that if women are ready to have their children then they should just choose who they want to have their children with and make it happen. To my horror, when I was 19 the first man I moved in with did in some ways remind me of my father. He was very controlling and ended up being physically abusive towards me. I was shocked and could not believe I had made that same mistake as my mother had made. After that realization, I decided never again. I have never lived with a man since.
It’s not a good thing to have a man around I learned. Since as a child, I never really viewed myself staying with them past having my children. If they stayed and things worked out then great, but I really never expected much. So to ask how I choose them to have children with, there really aren’t any set parameters. If I think they are attractive of course and treat me well enough and over time, if I want to have children and they stay long enough then I chose them. Both my kids’ fathers do not support me financially at all but it’s not the end of the world. I have my kids and that’s what I wanted. As a child I remember being told over and over again to be independent, to be self sufficient. To this day, I have drilled this into all my kids because that’s a sure fire way to ensure that you have means to take care of yourself and have the option to leave. I know there are many women out there who have been or were self sufficient until they met men who they thought they loved and some have given up on that. Sometimes these women don’t even know what’s going on around them and by the time they pull the wool off their eyes, its usually financial hell and a few broken bones later.
I know that true love exists, I think. But besides the love a mother has for her child, as with my mother and us kids, I don’t really one hundred percent believe there really is pure love between men and women. None that I can relate to anyway. Men are fickle creatures and I’d rather deal with my own shortcomings than take the chance and deal with someone else’s shortcomings in addition to them being abusive towards me. Growing up had its ups and downs. My mother was victimized, sometimes in the worst way but I learned from it.”
When asked how this view affects her own daughter who is now in college, Gilbert says,
“I’m not gonna lie. I think I've made her afraid of men. While I’ve never said anything degrading about her own father to her, my attitude towards men as a whole has definitely affected her, maybe for the negative. I think its better if my own father were not around. With his volatile attitude, I definitely would have been better off had that man stayed away completely instead of showing up like he did. I want my daughter to have a full, fulfilling life. Do I want her to get married and remain happy for the rest of her life? If that’s what she wants, absolutely. Whatever she does, I will just tell her this, to make sure no one takes advantage of her and to always stand her ground.”
According to Dr. David Popenoe, a noted sociologist, in the relatively young field of research into fathers and fatherhood, Gilbert’s attitude is sometimes typical of children who grew up in volatile households. Popenoe says “Girls with involved, respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat them and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy relationships. In contrast, research has shown that husbands who display anger, show contempt for, or who stonewall their wives (i.e., "the silent treatment") are more likely to have children who are anxious, withdrawn, or antisocial.” Gilbert is testament to that. Her withdrawn and sometimes antisocial behavior towards men has manifested itself in her completely dismissing them. For most women either one of two things happens, they pick men who do the exact same thing their fathers had done and they accept it as normal loving behavior or they try to rebel against it and hope they choose the opposite.
No comments:
Post a Comment